Ten Tips for Communicating with a Coparent Who Wants to Argue About Everything
August 28, 2024

Effective communication with a coparent, especially one prone to conflict, is crucial for the well-being of your children. It can be extremely difficult if the other parent is not willing to have civil discussions or constantly makes allegations against you. Your first inclination may be to retaliate, defend yourself, or just avoid communicating altogether. None of these strategies typically make things better. Here are ten tips to help you navigate these challenging conversations:


1. Stay Focused on the Children: Always bring the conversation back to what is best for the children. This helps avoid getting sidetracked by personal grievances. Ignore attacks on your character and only respond on issues that affect your children.


2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries about when and how communication should take place. Stick to them consistently. These could include things like only communicating in writing or asking that updates are only given one time per week unless something urgent comes up.


3. Use Written Communication: If verbal discussions often lead to arguments, try switching to written communication like email or messaging apps. This allows for more thoughtful responses and creates a record of your conversations. There are several apps designed specifically for coparenting, such as Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents, or AppClose. Each app has its own pros and cons. Our Family Wizard is very popular and has lots of bells and whistles, however there is a monthly fee for each parent. Talking Parents and AppClose are both free, but lack some of the finesse of Our Family Wizard. Ultimately, you should choose the one that works best for you.


4. Keep Emotions in Check: It’s natural to feel emotional, but try to remain calm and composed during interactions. Responding with anger or frustration only fuels the conflict. It is not uncommon for one parent to make accusations, hurl insults, or attack the other when communicating. Typically, they are seeking a reaction from you to show that they were right about you and validate themselves. Do not engage! Keep your answers short and positive. Ignore any bad behavior from them. All of the communication can be documented, and it is important to be able to show that only one side is causing the communication hurdles.


5. Pick Your Battles: Not every issue needs to be a point of contention. Focus on what truly matters, like things that affect the safety of the children, and let go of minor disagreements. Coparenting can be extremely difficult. If you choose to argue about every single topic that comes up, everyone involved will be miserable. 


6. Be Clear and Concise: Miscommunication often leads to arguments. Make sure your messages are clear, concise, and free of ambiguity. Our Family Wizard has a tone checker feature that will alert you if your message sounds argumentative. You can also have someone else read messages before you send them or just type the message, wait a bit and read it again before sending.


7. Avoid Accusations: Frame your communication in a way that is non-accusatory. Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings instead of blaming the other parent. Using I statements does not mean, “I feel like you…”. You can say things like, “I feel frustrated when I hear you say…” or “I feel like I do not understand your point of view, could you please explain it in more detail?”.


8. Seek Neutral Ground: When a conversation is getting heated, suggest taking a break or continuing the discussion later. This gives both parties time to cool down. There are very few times when you cannot pause the conversation until later in the day or even until the next day. 


9. Utilize a Third Party: If communication is consistently contentious, consider involving a mediator or parenting coordinator to help facilitate discussions. These are people trained to facilitate communication and they can give both parties tips on making communication easier and more effective.


10. Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: Instead of dwelling on issues, shift the conversation towards finding solutions that benefit everyone involved, especially the children. Break the problems in to smaller chunks and solve on piece at a time. 

By implementing these strategies, you can reduce conflict and create a more cooperative coparenting relationship, ultimately providing a more stable and positive environment for your children.


This post was written by Chelle Hendershot, who is a dedicated Mediator and Parenting Coordinator at Hope For Our Future, LLC, with a passion for helping individuals and families navigate through life's most challenging moments. This post is not intended to be legal advice and is for marketing purposes only.


Copyright © 2024 Hope For Our Future, LLC. All rights reserved. This blog post may be shared, copied, and distributed in its entirety for non-commercial purposes, provided that proper attribution is given, and no modifications are made to the original work.

 

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